i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
