if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Randomize
