what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
