Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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