i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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