1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
