Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
