I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
