I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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