i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I just gargled with NyQuil
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
