the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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