I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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