DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
