sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize