after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
