Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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