Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
