Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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