is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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