the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
