I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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