i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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