where am i from again
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
