Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
