Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
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