my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
