I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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