It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
