I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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