Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
