My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
