u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Randomize
