We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
