I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
