I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
