based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
a search helicopter?!
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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