Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize