Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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