Your face is a jimmy john
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize