in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize