I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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