you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
