I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
