Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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