I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
