last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Randomize
