i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
