On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
