I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
