he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
