when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
They took my balls.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
