I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
