omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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