if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
