Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
