Rock
Scissors
Fuck
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
