you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Randomize
