I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
