JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
