HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
