Got a toothbrush?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
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